A spin on Dick’s speech at the Republican Convention.

Between bad events and the plethora of bad news that’s been surfacing lately I haven’t had the time nor the will to bother with ye ole blog. Now that it’s Sunday and I’m trying to enjoy my solitude, I thought I’d kick things off with some lofty attempts to laugh.

Hanzi Smatter?? This site is awesome because it exploits my favorite pet peeve of people who get tattoos of Chinese characters but neither know a lick about China, its culture, or its language. Their tattoo is picked straight off the wall with a very rough translation of the character and as a result they are permanently inked with words that aren’t exactly what the artist in the shop told them it was. The translation for the picture shown above is: “Exile Husband Retrievable Arrow with a String Attached to It”. Haha.

Scariest Costumes from 2004 - A little belated but damn hilarious. Pictures include. A snippet from the site: “Transform Daddy’s little girl into America’s NEW favorite bad girl, Private First Class Lyndie England. For the costume, simply add an invisible-dog leash from a novelty shop to a pair of camouflage pants and a khaki-colored shirt from your local Army/Navy surplus store. (Candy cigarette optional.)”

21 Rationales for War There’s really more than 21 but here’s the short version of what they said and who said them. Hm, maybe this isn’t really funny at all.

JFK Reloaded -Believe in the Single (magic) Bullet Theory? Aside from being a game, if you can match and identical shot Warren Commission style you can win $100,000. Of course, you have to pay to play. Considering the conditions, I think the site owner will get $100,000 before any one comes close to a match.

Smart Room - “Your home should be a place where you feel safe and protected. With heightened concerns about bio terrorism and other security threats, more and more Americans feel vulnerable.”

Not only can you have them build one for you but you can order plans to build one yourself!

Today, I ventured into the booming downtown Tampa Bay area to open up a checking account.

However, it turns out that my “three forms of I.D. were not sufficient enough to establish an account, PER THE PATRIOT ACT.”

Three hours of wasted time thanks to the Patriot Act.

But wait! There is more:

Now, I can only assume that The Patriot Act, in this element, is to help deter TERRORISTS from establishing an account. [give me a fucking break]

Okay, so you need all these forms to prove you are who you are to begin the process of opening an account, right? Okay, so I obviously wasn’t able to provide this to them, even though they’re looking at my pictures, looking at me, looking at my address and matching it to the others, this is not enough, and thus the Patriot Act is enforced. [thanks you fucking republicans!]

No! My HUGE plan of FUNNELLING money to terrorist organizations [ebay] online is foiled! [oh Allah, why?]

So, I figure, now I have to go get a passport or whatthefuckever else I need to give these people my money.

Too much of a hassle, so what do I do?

I go home and I call the 1-800 number and OPENED THE ACCOUNT OVER THE PHONE WITH JUST MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. WTF?!

Does this make ANY sense to ANYBODY?

Slapstick Comedy makes a comeback! - Anne Coulter finally gets pie right in her pie hole. [Watch the video] Best Ever!

There are no Friday Funnies, most of the funnies were displayed during the presidential debate last night. I see no need to rehash them here as I’m already suffering from a Bush hangover.

VideoTwo Boys Reduced to Screaming Girls While Playing Doom 3 - A little over dramatic but still hilarious.

Interesting News
George Michael discovers a stalker has been living under his floor

New Sex Crimes? - Man Tries to Charge Wife for Domestic Abuse for not having sex with him for 5 consecutive days

Celebrate your first day on jury duty by getting drunk before you go - Supreme says its okay, “no different than a virus, poorly prepared food, or lack of sleep”

Saving the best for last -

Schwarzenegger outlaws sex with corpses - This ones too easy to make fun of…discuss amongst yourselves.

“Knowing these realities, America must not ignore the threat gathering against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof — the smoking gun — that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.” -George W. Bush, October 7, 2003

Oh wait, he was referring to Iraq and the WMD’s he wished Iraq had. Okay- scratch the quote, I guess that would be an inappropriate intro to the recent news article regarding the mysterious explosion with an uncanny resemblance to a mushroom cloud found in North Korea. Typically seen after a nuclear explosion.

But don’t be silly, although nobody knows just exactly what it was…they’re pretty certain it’s not a nuclear weapon. Besides, they assure us that it’s just dam work.

And you believe them, don’t you?

Even though Kim Jong II has made many appearances over the years in the US news, bragging of his missiles, even his long-range nuclear missiles that can reach the US, this doesn’t mean you should jump to any conclusions and expect the worst.

And North Korea has publicly threatened the United States with a pre-emptive attack last year.

And while North Korea kicked out international inspectors and withdrew itself from the global treaty to stop the spread of nuclear weapons.

There is absolutely no reason for anybody to suspect that North Korea might be a threat. After all, North Korea IS NOT in the middle east.

Everyone knows it’s easier to disarm the unarmed.

All great jokes start with Bush Quotes:

It’s just hard to resist reading Bush transcripts. He would have made a better comedian than a dictator.

• During his usual drivel of limiting frivolous lawsuits - “We’ve got an issue in America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
• “Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life.” - Northern Virginia Community College Aug. 9, 2004
• “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” -“Aug. 5, 2004 (watch the video)

In Video - In George W. Bush’s Words: Bush’s words speak louder than actions. A nice video clip from The Daily Show. I Hope to see this being the next Bush ad on TV.

Latest Image of Hurricane Ivan (via Dave):

The headline for this news story sounds vaguely familiar. Then I remembered the heading of the Presidential memo from August that was titled: Bin-Laden Determined to Strike in the US. If you remember, the administration all agreed that even that wasn’t ample proof that an attack was going to happen. Why start worrying now?